


Insanity

by proudtobealuthor



Series: The Luthor-Danvers [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, Protective Kara Danvers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 15:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21322753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proudtobealuthor/pseuds/proudtobealuthor
Summary: Post 4x22 Pre 5x01Lena is still reeling from the knowledge that Kara is Supergirl and spirals into a bought of self hatred while trying to find out why Kara didn't trust her enough to tell her and ends up blaming herself.This is a prequel to my one-shot called Hope
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Series: The Luthor-Danvers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1517360
Kudos: 112





	Insanity

**Author's Note:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
If suicidal thoughts or mentions of suicide trigger you, please exit this work and go read some fluff pls. Do not inflict this onto yourself. Turn back now. I don't want to harm anyone's mental health with this work

_ “The definition of insanity is _

_ doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” _

_ \- Albert Einstein _

Two weeks later and Lex’s final words were still echoing in Lena’s ears.

_ “Kara Danvers is Supergirl.” _

It was like having the same nightmare over and over again, except she was painfully and undoubtedly awake. She wished it was just a nightmare. It would have been better than living with this knowledge.

Knowing that everyone she had ever let in because of that bubbly blonde had all been laughing at her, never trusting her, and lying to her. It hurt more than Lena could ever manage to explain. What hurt more, though, was that Kara was in on it. She was the reason they all lied. Kara Danvers had made the choice to single her out and leave her in the dark.

The fact that it was Kara was what really broke her.

The one person she thought would never lie or betray her had done just that. If someone like Kara, the literal embodiment of sunshine, couldn’t trust her then what was even the point.

She tried so hard to be trustworthy, to be good, and if the one person who trusted and saw the good in everyone couldn’t do that for her...then there must be something wrong with her. It can’t be everyone else that’s the problem. It’s her.

Lena was the issue. She was unloveable. She didn’t deserve trust or companionship. She deserved all the pain and heartache she had ever faced.

It was her own fault.

It was _ her _ fault she couldn’t be trusted. It was _ her _fault her mother died. Everything was her fucking fault!

She tried so hard to be good. She really did. That was all she had ever wanted, but maybe she was just broken. Maybe she didn’t operate that way. Maybe she really did belong with the Luthors. She was just like them.

Her father was a mean drunk. Her mother was a scheming xenophobic bitch. Her brother was a liar and a murderer. Those were the people she was raised by. Of course it left its mark on her. She was just a collection of Luthor faults, the worst parts of her family.

She drank when she was upset. She schemed and lied to get what she wanted. She held Morgan Edge at gunpoint and would have pulled the trigger had she not been knocked out, and to top it all off she had murdered her own brother. She had committed one of the worst sins: fratricide. She was Cain and bore his mark, forever cursed to be a wanderer and an outsider. She would never fit in or be the one people trusted. She would always be the odd man out. Forever alone and marked so everyone would know her name. 

Those thoughts alone were enough to leave Lena a sobbing mess in her penthouse bedroom, curled up on the floor at the foot of her bed with her eyes puffy and red, face stained with tears. 

Why couldn’t Kara have just told her? Why did she have to hear it from Lex? 

“Why couldn’t you just fucking trust me?” She screamed hysterically as another broken sob ripped out of her. 

_ It’s because you’re broken. You weren’t worth the effort. She only hung out with you because you’re a Luthor and liable to go on a killing spree. Your whole friendship was a pretense, a lie, _her thoughts hissed to her, causing more tears to spring forward as she buried her face into her lap with her hands tugging at her hair.

No, that wasn’t possible! She knew Kara, and Kara would never do something as underhanded as that.

_ Except you don’t _ really _ know her, do you? If you did, you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place, _she retorted, and she couldn’t really fault that logic. If she really knew Kara she would have known that she was Supergirl long ago, but she didn’t; so who’s to say she even knew Kara at all. The most important person in her life, and she didn’t have a clue who she really was.

_ I really am broken. Everyone that has ever been important to me has hurt, lied to, and betrayed me or died by my hand. What’s the point in even living when all my life does is repeat itself? _

It was as if a light bulb went off in that moment. Why subject herself to more of this torture? Why continue fighting for the love of people who have done nothing but question her every motive? 

What was the point? The answer was: there wasn’t one.

She had repeatedly fought for the people of National City and proven herself a million times and had never once received even a single thank you, not that she needed it, but she had always tried to show everyone she was a force for good and had been doubted at every turn. She repeated the same actions over and over, expecting a different result but never received one, yet she continued fighting. Didn’t they say that was the very definition of insanity? To repeat the same action over and over, expecting a different result. Maybe the Luthor genes had finally gotten to her she thought to herself with a pitiful laugh as she sat there in the dark.

She slowly stood on shaky legs and took a deep breath, glancing over at her open balcony door as a gust of wind ruffled the curtains. She walked over and stood on the balcony, staring out at the view of the city and finally smiled. 

“At least it’s a nice view,” she whispered softly before she turned and walked back into the room, climbing into her bed and settling atop the covers, reaching into her bedside drawer and pulling out a silver gun.

She sighed as she ran her fingers over the revolver before draining the glass of whiskey on the table next to her, the ice melted long ago. She winced at the taste.

“Always thought I’d die from an assassination attempt. Never thought it would be suicide,” she muttered to herself.

She slowly lifted the gun, pressing it to her temple and sighed. If she was going to chicken out, then now was the time. At least it would have been had she not felt it the moment she made the choice.

It was acceptance. She knew there was no backing out. She wasn’t scared or sad. She was relieved. Maybe now she could finally have some peace. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she felt the bullet click into place in the chamber and smiled. She was almost free.

“Lena,” she heard a small scared voice coming from the direction of her balcony as her eyes jerked open, and there she was. The source of her pain. Supergirl.

Her hand slowly dropped with the gun as Kara walked towards her as if she were afraid of frightening a wild animal. Of course that’s what she thought of her as she thought with a roll of her eyes. 

“Get out,” Lena snapped, “Just because the balcony is open does not give you permission to come waltzing in.”

“It does when I find you with a gun pressed to your head,” Kara said gently as she sat down on the edge of the bed and gently removed the gun from Lena’s grasp and crushed it in her hand. “What are you doing, Lena?”

“Do you really have to ask or are you really that stupid?” She snapped angrily. How dare Kara just walk in here like she cares if Lena lives or dies?

“Why on earth would you do this, Lena? You have so much to live for. How could you leave your friends like this?” Kara whispered with tears shining in her eyes, causing Lena to bark out a laugh despite the twinge she felt in her heart.

“What friends? They’re all liars, and you...you’re the worst of them,” she hissed, shaking her head.

Kara sucked in a sharp breath and just stared at her as a single tear ran down her cheek. 

“You know,” she whispered, not bothering to ask how because it wasn’t really important at the moment.

“Yes, Kara. I know all about your dirty little secret. How I never really mattered, and I couldn’t be trusted. The sister of the infamous Lex Luthor! I was so stupid to think you could ever _ really _care about me. Everyone just sees me for what I am: a Luthor. That’s all I’ll ever be to anyone, isn't it?” Lena sobbed, tears running down her cheeks. “What’s the point of me living, Kara? No one loves me. No one really cares. I’m alone in this world just like Lex said. I’m the butt of the joke. The little Luthor who tries so hard to win everyone’s affection because they’re so fucking broken they need to be validated by someone! Anyone! And to think, I thought you were different,” she yelled before her words finally faded to a soft whisper.

Kara had tears running down her face at this point as she stared at Lena, pain shining in her eyes.

“Is that what you really think, Lena?” She asked softly. “Lena, you have to know that you are loved and not just by me. Alex, Brainy, J’onn, Nia, Kelly, James. We all love you so much, and I-I love you most of all, Lena. Yes, I lied but only because I was scared of losing you or endangering you. At least that’s what it was at first. Then, it was because of how hurt you were by Eve and Lex, and then it was never the right time. But really, it was because I was selfish. You were the one person I could be human with. You never expected me to be a superhero or the sad little Kryptonian girl that lost her home. You loved Kara, and I loved being _ just _Kara. You have no idea how refreshing that was. I finally had someone that loved me. The real me,” she laughed as tears ran down her cheeks.

“You were-_ are _ my safe haven, Lena. You are the one I go to when I just need to be normal, the person who loved my goofy antics, the person who didn’t think Supergirl was the hero. You called _ me _your hero. Just plain old Kara Danvers, and I loved you for that. I still do, Lena. You are my humanity. You are who made me glad to be Kara Danvers when it felt like my life was falling apart. I love you, Lena Luthor, and I swear to god if you ever say I don’t again I will kick your ass,” she cursed with fierce look in her eyes.

Lena just stared at Kara with wide eyes before she suddenly broke down into tears and Kara pulled her into her arms, holding onto her tightly as Lena buried her face into her shirt and cried.

“It’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Let it all out,” Kara cooed into her hair and rubbed soothing circles against her back as she cried.

Lena slowly looked up with bleary, bloodshot eyes and sniffled softly once she was finally finished crying.

“Don’t ever keep things from me again, okay?” She whispered.

“Never again. Now promise me you’ll never try this again and you’ll come to me if you’re feeling this way,” Kara said as she stared down at her with a stern look in her eyes.

“I promise,” Lena whispered and just buried her face back into Kara’s chest, sinking into the warmth of her embrace. Kara was practically radiating love, and Lena wondered how she could have ever thought Kara didn’t care. What a fool she had been.


End file.
